Best Friend Foodies Don't Go to Bed Hungry

Photo by Patrick Q

When it comes to the subject of saving a bland marriage (or any serious relationship for that matter), there's a lot of advice out there.  An obvious place to start is to seek out new things to do together and make the effort to keep your connection from going stale. This usually means getting reacquainted with the excitement of being together and becoming more adventurous.   Okay, not all of us are creatures that fully embrace change, or even excitement. If "danger" is not your middle or your new surname, you might first try something nonthreatening like taking a cooking class together.   But how does one go about keeping things simmering metaphorically (and literally) in the kitchen if your loved one is borderline Mageirocophobic?  

He makes the sandwiches.  
You pack the beers.

Most likely it's not a true phobia of cooking that holds you two back from reheating up your relationship.  Your better half may just have a little fear of failure and, rather than seeing an opportunity to try something different, can't help but focus on a potentially ruined dish or dessert.  So, start small. Prepare a picnic for two together.  Then eventually, set aside the time to attempt an easy meal as a team.  We are all gourmands as beginners and anyone can become a gourmet.

Chef Michael Feker says, "[C]ooking can save a marriage. Cooking is a conduit for passion and life. This is a beautiful way to strengthen your relationship."  Feker's recipe for success involves a healthy helping of teamwork, a little problem solving, and a lot of communication to build up your culinary knowledge and your relationship.  Don't forget to sprinkle in some humor if something doesn't quite turn out. 

And how do you avoid the possibility of the whole attempt going sour if you or your partner seem to dwell on the negative? 

In their book, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff for Women, Kristine and Richard Carlson offer help to recognize a problem and prevent discussions from boiling over.  They explain that you can identify your kitchen-mate as a pot-stirrer if they "concoct something other than delicious soup.  They bring up emotional issues that have already been discussed, resolved, or are on their way to being released."

It is our task to steer the pot-stirrer away from the temptation to "feed the emotional fire and keep it burning for the excitement of the conflict."  I know that some couples like to participate in playful banter and teasing  but we need to watch which buttons we are pushing because a full blown argument may be lingering on the back burner.  The authors caution that "every time we encourage someone to get caught up in an issue that is already headed toward a healthy resolution," we are stirring the pot.  I think we are all guilty of this at times.  They suggest that if you catch yourself or others doing this you should restrain yourself and simply say that you're beyond that particular issue and there's no need to continue to discuss it.  

Instead of fueling the wrong kind of emotional flames, mix things up by changing the subject.  Just as any activity that breaks up your routine can reawaken and rescue the two of you  from the skewers of boredom, the act of cooking together will help you be more prepared to move forward in your conversations and learn more about each other during the process.  Author of Confessions of a True Romantic: The Secrets of a Sizzling Relationship, Gregory J.P. Godek confesses an idea that isn't exactly a secret since it usually finds its way into someone's toast to the bride and groom.  "Friendship is often the bond that holds us together when the love falters."  

The work and joy of acquiring a few shared hobbies are major lifelines when one is hungry for more from a relationship, and ultimately out of life, but is running out of things to say.